And now, whenever she thinks of her darling son, she gets visuals that no amount of mental steel-wool will scrub away.

I imagine her slamming her laptop closed, and turning her eyes heavenward. Where, oh where did she go wrong? How could Gordon possibly be the product of her loins? Why does her baby boy know about these things? Does Gordon do these things? What else does Gordon do that I don’t know about?

*Sigh.*

Mom, trust me, I’m more boring than you think.

And while my mother’s encounter with the moist underbelly of the Internet was unfortunate, it pales in comparison to what happened to my father. He hadn’t heard of this particular something either. And he was at work when he read my cartoon.

So Dad (a normally sensible and conservative man) asked one of his coworkers about it. In fact, he asked a woman; a woman who reports to him. She obviously moves in polite circles because she didn’t know what this particular something was either. So he asked her to look it up on the Internet.

You can imagine her surprise.

You can imagine his surprise.

It’s tough to imagine a more awkward workplace moment.

So I have embarrassed my parents. Again. Add this to the list:
I mooned the bus.
I peed on the neighbors begonias
I yelled in church.
I painted my hair purple.
I built a snow penis on the high school campus.
I made the piano smell like beer.
I said the F-word in class.
I joined the Aggie Band-uh.
I majored in Rhetoric.

Hopefully, my mother will come to understand that my cartoons don’t reflect my life. She’ll take a look at my other cartoons and realize that despite the subject matter, I have never participated in genocide, fish-love, or amateur kidney removal. And I don’t do that particular something either.

And to everybody else out there who reads one of my cartoons but doesn’t get it – just let it go. Don’t look it up on the Internet. And for your sake, and for the sake of your career, don’t ask anyone at work to look it up for you.

And seriously, as long as I have a cat, stay out of my bathroom.

**********************
In 1986, G.J. Caulkins failed to pass the basic writing exam at UC Davis. He has been pounding the keyboard with an embarrassingly personal level of sincerity ever since. Upon graduation, he gave up playing bari sax with the Cal Aggie Marching Band-uh! in favor of the more challenging roles of husband and father.